We’re Lost, and We Know It: Crisis of Relationships and Masculinity.

A Reflection on a Fractured Generation

It had been a while since I felt that urge to write. But some topics hit me right, at the exact right time.

This weekend, a Netflix series finally put words and images to something I’ve been sensing for a long time. Adolescence tells the story of a 13-year-old boy who commits a violent act, and through the episodes, we try to understand what led him there.

It hit me hard.

Not because I identify with the violence inside of this young boy, but because I recognized the patterns and disillusionment from the younger male generations. In his confusion, his emotional pain, his anger, and his loneliness. I saw echoes of men I know. It echoed with everything I’ve been hearing in men’s circles, YouTube coaching videos, and inside my own head. And that terrified me.

Lately, I’ve felt like I’m witnessing a slow collapse:

• Of the couple.
• Of intimacy.
• Of masculinity itself.

And the more I look around, the more I realize I’m not alone.

There is a deep fracture in the way we love, the way we relate, and the way we define ourselves as men. And we don’t talk about it enough. 

SPOILER ALERT:  I don’t have the answers. I just have a lot of questions.

The Relationship Recession

Incel (involuntary single) is a real phenomenon and it’s a real problem.

Modern love has never been more complicated. We have:

• Rising standards
• Endless options
• A declining sense of patience
• A decreasing willingness to commit

And that leaves many of us emotionally exhausted.

I’m guilty of this too; I’ve walked away from beautiful relationships, convinced that something better might be “out there.”

So, we scroll. Swipe. Stalk. Project. Compare.

But rarely stay.

Being in a couple is no longer a social must-have. More and more people choose to focus on personal growth, travel, or passion projects before committing. And yet, being single is still stigmatized, and it comes with its own load of social guilt, especially as you enter your 30s…

Let’s start with what’s happening out there:

In France:

• Over 40% of adults are not in a relationship. Among them, 37% were women, and 43% were men. Go figure… (Le Monde).
• Over 25% of men under 34 years have never been in a relationship.

In Belgium:

• 51.7% of households are made up of single people (Statbel).
• Every year, it grows by +4%. We expect that 1 in 2 Belgians will be single by 2060 (LeSoir).

In the U.S.:

Matthew Hussey recently described this as a “relationship recession” in his video The Psychology of Modern Men and the Relationship Recession. He’s not exaggerating, the numbers are scary there too

• 63% of men under 30 are now single, up from 51% in 2019 (Pew Research).

• And only half are still trying to date, down from 61% a few years earlier…

No surprise:

Birth rates are falling, and so are our welfare states. Not because my generation wants (or can afford) fewer children, but because fewer couples are forming in the first place.

A Quest for the One Male?

The bar is high.

Sometimes impossibly high. Modern love isn’t about “finding the perfect guy.”

It’s about finding everything in one person. And that’s a problem. Today, we are often searching for a partner who can wear all the hats.

As Esther Perel puts it:

“I want a best friend, a trusted confidant, an intellectual equal, a fitness buddy, a professional coach, a spiritual master, and a passionate lover… all in one.”

This desire for everything makes love less a safe place and more of a project — one we’re constantly editing, optimizing, and… abandoning.

We aren’t just looking for a romantic partner. We are looking for a complete emotional ecosystem:

• Attractive & Competent Lover
• Best Friend
• Therapist
• Career Coach
• Adventure Buddy
• Caring Mother/Father

This is a non-exhaustive list that only a few guys on Earth can fulfill.

Dating today is a hell.

Most men I know (myself included) experience dating apps as a vortex of ghosting, rejection, and frustration. I’ve tried the apps: Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, you name it. And the reality is this: dating in the digital age has turned relationships into a marketplace, and intimacy into a performance. And I’ve made mistakes online, walking away from good connections out of fear, impatience, or the illusion that something “better” might appear. It’s not something I’m proud of but something I’m trying to understand.

Yet we still feel obliged to play the game.

Why? It’s the new normal… 6 out of 10 couples in 2024 now meet through dating apps. (Stanford’s research)

➡️ For women, dating apps often feel like a parade of low-effort men, dick pics, and performative vulnerability.

➡️ For men, it feels like an endless string of job interviews for which we are not qualified for with no feedback and no callbacks.

As one commenter wrote under Matthew Hussey’s video:

“Dating for men is like paying for a job interview.”

Dating apps were supposed to make things easier. Instead, they’ve turned love into a numbers game, with more LinkedIn interviews than emotional bonds.

• 75% of Tinder users are men → That’s three men for every woman (Statista)

• Women swipe right only 8% of the time → about 1 in every 13 men

• Men swipe right 46% of the time → nearly every second woman (Cross River Therapy)

Now it gets uglier. A stat that’s mentioned in the Netflix series.

• The top 20% of men receive 80% of female likes
• 80% of men get one match per month (Medium analysis)

The result?

Average guys get liked by only 0.87% of women

→ 1 in 115 swipes. Most of those matches don’t even lead to a proper conversation.

This isn’t dating. It’s Russian roulette.

For many young men, it breeds resentment and misogynistic frustrations. Some young guys will find support and answers in the online “manosphere” and some toxic masculinity videos (as those of Andrew Tate), which inspired the Netflix series (nbcnews).

Of course, there’s disillusionment on both sides (male and female). The dating world today often asks too much from everyone while giving so little in return. And while this article speaks from a male perspective, I don’t pretend it’s harder for men — it’s just differently hard.

As Victoire Tuaillon explains in Les Couilles sur la table, our ideas of masculinity are shaped by performance and power, but they’re also shaped in intimate, everyday interactions. I don’t pretend to explain the masculinity crisis only through the lens of dating. But for me, it’s the beginning — the most visible part… 

The Masculinity Meltdown

The dating world is just the tip of the iceberg. It goes way deeper. Here’s what nobody wants to say out loud:

Men are struggling. Emotionally. Sexually. Existentially.

• Suicide among men under 30 has risen by 40% since 2010
• Men in that group are 4x more likely than women to take their own lives (Pew Research).
• 61% of young British men feel pressure to “man up”
• 55% say crying makes them feel “less of a man” (Independent.co.uk)
• 37% of boys and young men experience mental health difficulties but 46% wouldn’t ask for help, even if things got really bad (stem4 study)
• Only 30% of French people in therapy are men. Pride and denial often take precedence over mental health. And when men do show up, it’s usually for the same reasons: women, money, and career struggles (RadioFrance).

We’re told to:

• Be vulnerable but strong

• Be empathetic but dominant

• Be a feminist ally — but also “take the lead”

• Be successful — but not defined by money, prestige, and wins

Masculinity today is just a puzzle… A maze full of contradictions.

We’re trying to navigate between the old model of patriarchy and the new ideal of emotional intelligence — and no one gave us a map.

And if you’re not tall, rich, or conventionally attractive? You might as well be invisible.

No wonder Incel & Red culture are growing. When men are emotionally illiterate, socially isolated, and romantically/sexually hopeless… some implode. Others explode.

Masculinity today is swinging between two extremes:

• Hypermasculine values (like Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson etc.)
• The “nice guy” who gets ghosted

The more I watch videos, follow lifestyle online coaches, listen to podcasts, read books… The more I feel torn and lost…

If men feel lost and women feel drained (too many misaligned expectations, deceptions, and low behaviours), how do we build anything that lasts? And recreates fair bonds between gender? There’s no answer.

But we can begin with:

• Awareness
• Honest conversations
• Less blame
• More compassion

Esther Perel invites us to rethink everything:

What if… your co-parent isn’t your soulmate? What if… your best friend isn’t your lover? What if… your emotional needs are shared across your community, not concentrated in one person?

What Now?

Maybe the first step is re-learning how to be in relationships (not just romantic ones, but friendships, mentorships, communities). We start by telling the truth:

• Young men and women are more and more lonely.
• We are afraid.
• We are tired of pretending we’re fine.

And then we begin to rebuild.

For men:

• Let’s stop performing and start feeling.
• Let’s allow ourselves to cry, to talk, to ask for help.
• Let’s learn how to show up without needing to dominate.
• Let’s join men’s circles, do therapy, or talk openly with friends about our fears and desires.

For women:

• Keep your standards high.
• But also give space, not for the fantasy of a healed man, but for those who are trying.
• Without your empathy and compassion, there is no bridge.

For all of us:

• Let’s stop expecting one person to be our everything.
• Let’s reclaim community so love isn’t the only place we feel seen.
• Let’s reimagine intimacy (slower, messier, less optimized).
• Let’s stop chasing The One, and start cultivating the many forms of connection that make life worth living.

The old models are dying, not because we’re broken.

But because our generation is building something new.

Conclusion

Watch Adolescence.

Think about the boys you know. The men around you. The ones who seem detached but are quietly drowning…

And reflect,

• Ask how we raise them.
• How we speak to them.
• How we hold space for them to exist beyond performance.

Because if we don’t address these twin crises,

⚡️ the collapse of intimate relationships

⚡️ the disorientation of masculinity

We risk losing more than just love. We risk losing each other.

PS: Thank you for reading. This post is a personal reflection, not a fixed position.
I often write to understand myself better, and I don’t always live up to what I write. It’s complex, like all of us.

There are many threads I didn’t pull off: feminicide, porn addiction among young men, LGBTQA+ realities, #MeToo movement, feminist perspectives like those of Virginie Despentes, or how social media shapes toxic dynamics across genders. But at some point, an article must come to an end.

If you speak French, I highly recommend Victoire Tuaillon’s podcast “Les Couilles sur la table”. And if any of this resonates or you want to talk, feel free to reach out.